


Fading Memories

by kawasemi



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Angst, Lost Memories, M/M, human!Cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-20 02:11:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,171
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3632688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kawasemi/pseuds/kawasemi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"By the time it has fulfilled its circle another dozen pages in the book of his life have vanished, leaving yellowed, blank gaps where once were legions of words. The pain is unbearable, uncontrollable. Tick. Tick. Another song gone silent. Another knife cutting into his mind, his heart. "Hey... Cas?...You alright?" Dean's voice is inside his head, pushing the painful thoughts away like a candle defeating the darkness."</p><p>As Castiel turns human he struggles to keep the memories of his angelic existance. In his despair he finds a new source of grace that has nothing to do with heavenly warriors... and a diary.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fading Memories

**Author's Note:**

> This is based off a prompt I read on tumblr. I hope you guys like it ^^  
> Find me on tumblr [kawasemichan]  
> I would love to receive some drabble prompts or feedback whatever you care to share :D

There was an ocean crashing onto the shore, the rough, navy sea reflecting the lightnings cutting through charcoal clouds.  
The same colour as the tiny animal heaving itself up on the endless beach, lost and lonely, but brave, almost reckless. A pioneer in this new world of breathing.  
He squints his eyes at the blurry face that flashes through his memory, telling him to watch over this courageous little explorer and next- There's a blank space.  
Castiel wiggles on his chair, a frustrated grunt escaping chapped lips. He frowns, squints harder, two fingers pressed against the throbbing ache in his temples.  
He closes his eyes, squeezes them shut and tries to only focus on his own thoughts. The ticking of the clock next to him incredibly is loud as it echoes through his pounding head. It's his third day as a full human being and it's only getting worse and worse. All the knowledge of his existence, all the precious memories of his millennia as an angel fading.  
Constantly.  
He can't help it, can't stop it.  
Every time he tries to hold onto a moment, tries to grasp an image it seems to slip away. It was bound to happen, he knew that, but he didn't expect this burning inside his guts, this giant knot in his stomach tightening with every lost word.  
It's like trying to keep water in his bare hands, his memories a quickly draining ocean, running through his useless fingers like the sand of time he now also will fall prey to.  
Tick. Tick. Tick. Too loud.  
There is so much noise in his head, the unforgiving hand erasing a different remembrance with every step. By the time it has fulfilled its circle another dozen pages in the book of his life have vanished, leaving yellowed, blank gaps where once were legions of words.  
The pain is unbearable, uncontrollable. Tick. Tick.  
Another song gone silent. Another knife cutting into his mind, his heart. "Hey... Cas?...You alright?"  
Dean's voice is inside his head, pushing the painful thoughts away like a candle defeating the darkness. He opens his eyes, slowly, carefully to look at the hunter, taking in a deep breath.  
The air rushes into his lungs, filling them until it feels like they will burst right out of his chest.  
He didn't realise he stopped breathing, but the endless pain he felt before is fading with every breath he takes. Dean is still waiting for an answer, the lines in his face prominent with worry.  
Castiel manages to crack a smile, although it doesn't reach his eyes. It had been hard all on his own, the two brothers stuck on a hunt a few states away. This is better.  
When he is with Dean the ache of his lost life seems to calm down.  
When he is with Dean he can breathe. 

"'m fine" his voice cracks. Even to his ears it sounds like a lie.  
Dean slides in next to him, his eyes boring into Cas.  
The green is blurry, like a hurriedly taken photograph and there's something missing.  
The colour is as vivid as ever, but the light is dulled by his human senses and- Castiel's eyes widen.  
His soul. It's gone.  
It takes a few moments for him to realise it's not, that it didn't vanish, except from his sight.  
He can't help the sob escaping his constricted throat as his fingers clench into fists, desperately trying to hold onto the now invisible starlight in green eyes.  
And he knows.  
He knows he can't keep it.  
The hands shaking him are distant, too far. Out of reach as he feels his heart speeding up, his neck in a stranglehold of oblivion.  
"Cas!"  
Castiel is too far gone.  
Body shaking violently, tears falling from blue eyes, covering the pieces of shattered memories digging into his skull.  
Powerless. Useless. Helpless.  
He's drowning.  
"Cas!" 

Drowning still.  
The pressure of the water around him getting worse, forcing the last remaining air out of his lungs. "Dammit Cas!"  
He panics, struggles, the darkness around him mocking his fight, suffocating his thoughts.  
But he can still see and up there, at the edge of the surface there's the sun, golden rays breaking through muddy waters, rushing into his chest, leaving him choking, coughing but oh so alive.  
And it's around him, surrounding him, embracing him, filling him with warmth, with life.  
"I got you ok? let go."  
His breath is ragged as he clings to the soft plaid shirt, leaning into Dean's chest, his arms surrounding him, holding him, keeping him from falling.  
And isn't it the most beautiful irony? That the man who started his fall, the righteous soul who pushed him out of heaven is the one to stop it now? He doesn't need to open his eyes. Doesn't need to see as long as he can feel the waves of life in the words brushed into his hair, onto his skin, his heart beating next to Dean's.  
Human. Flawed.  
These words used to be abominations, uttered with despise in a language that only stutters on the tongue of vessels.  
Now they're praises, blessings.  
Now they're all that matters. 

They talk.  
Castiel doesn't know how much time passes them while the weight of his fall is lifted off his shoulders inch by inch.  
Peeled off his skin until he is finally able to relax.  
He rolls his shoulders, back muscles still tense with their lost wings.  
But the pain is dulled now.  
He can bear it.  
When the last syllable falls from his lips, Dean just smiles,  
telling him to wait before he leaves the room, eager steps carrying him into the direction of the bunker's library.  
Castiel tilts his head, eyebrows drawn together in suspicion, but the lurking darkness doesn't attack him this time.  
The hunter returns with a grin on his lips and a book in his hands.  
The leather is dark blue and as soft as Dean's green eyes.  
Cas traces the silver letters engraved into its front, spelling out DIARY with the tip of his finger.  
"It's a journal."  
He sounds defensive, but there's no anger in his voice, instead it's laced with something Castiel so rarely hears that he can't help the smile tugging on the corners of his lips: Happiness.  
He opens his mouth but Dean cuts him off before he can correct him. "We don't do diaries, Cas, it's a journal."  
"Thank you Dean, it's beautiful." his words are honest and open as always, forcing the moss green gaze onto the floor for a few moments of awkward silence.  
It ends with Castiel's stomach, growling like an angry carnivore.  
Right.  
Humans do require food pretty much constantly.  
Dean bursts into a laugh, eyes crinkling up, lips stretched over flashing teeth.  
It has nothing in common with the bell clear joy of humming grace, it's gravelly, bolting like thunder.  
Cas instantly loves the sound of it. It suits him he decides as he chuckles along, forcing more protests from his empty stomach.


End file.
